Blog – Page 23 – The Renegade Coder

It's July 18th, 2019, and grad school has me burnt the fuck out. At just a year into my program, I'm really struggling to feel relaxed, but I'm also completely unmotivated to do work. In fact, I'm looking for an escape. Stream of Consciousness Right now I'm jotting down a bit of stream of consciousness as I hike home from campus, so bear with me. The Book of Mormon On my walk home, I often have to keep an eye out for pairs of white men in dark slacks, white button down shirts, and solid colored ties (aka Mormons). If I fail to avoid them, I'm almost certainly going to be targeted as a recruit despite being closer to 30 than their target demographic of 18. On the unfortunate occasion that I do get cornered, my fight or flight kicks in. Do I engage, so I don't look like an asshole? After all, they probably take a lot of shit from people. That said, I don't want to waste their time, so maybe blowing them off is warranted. In my most recent bout, I was playing on my phone when one of them told me I had a cool shirt before asking to chat. Without hesitation, I said "sorry, I'm busy" or something to that effect. Months earlier, they trapped me on a public bench while I was trying to do my homework. After twenty minutes of chatting, they snatched my phone number and went on with their day. I never wanted to experience that again. Yet today, seeing Mormons sort of makes me giddy. What a great way to escape my daily grind? Just flee to Utah and become one of these guys who prowls campuses for more recruits. Wouldn't that be a sweet gig? Then I stop to think, is that really how bad things have gotten? I'm literally willing to do anything else just to stop what I'm doing now? Then I dig a little deeper. This isn't the first time I've felt like this. In fact, I'm starting to think this is just who I am: a quitter. The Art of Escape When I was growing up, I wanted to be involved in everything. At one point, I was playing soccer and baseball, practicing Tae Kwon Do and trombone, and attending Cub Scouts and Sunday school. During that time, I think my parents went a little crazy, and I have to thank them for all their support. Of course, over time even they grew burnt out, so I started quitting different activities as I got older. For instance, the first activity I quit was baseball because the coaches were already playing favorites by fourth grade. Shortly after that, I quit Cub Scouts due to what I imagine was lack of interest, but I don't remember. Then, when I got my black belt in fifth grade, I quit Tae Kwon Do. By sixth grade, I quit soccer—although I continued to play on and off until I graduated high school. Eventually, all I had left was Sunday school and music. Today, I only play trombone. The Mentality of a Quitter Somehow, this notion of quitting became a part of my DNA. Sometimes, I even quit before I start. For instance, when I went into undergrad, I secretly dual enrolled in Computer Engineering and Music because I didn't actually want to work with computers. After just eight weeks, I gave up music because I couldn't possibly balance Calculus and Physics with practice. Of course, three years in, I ended up interning at GE where I realized my wildest fears: coding was not for me. It wasn't the actual coding part that I didn't like—that's something that I love. Instead, it was everything else from the daily routine that slowly drains the life out of you to the constant stress of meeting deadlines. I hated it so much I wrote a 15-part series on the subject. Unfortunately, that was one of the very few times where I chose to stick with it. From there, I decided to finish my degree and jump back in at GE where I regularly work 60+ hour weeks. Within six months, I was completely burnt out and looking for any way to escape. Instead of quitting right then and there, I stuck it out for nearly two years while I tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do. After all, quitting has much bigger consequence as an adult. In that time, I contemplating fleeing to another country to teach English. I even went as far as to drop $1500 on a certification course. During that time (and even now), I was also growing extremely uncomfortable with life in the US. Everything was starting to feel really unstable as everyone started picking sides (left vs. right, white vs. black, capitalism vs. socialism). In fact, the constant negativity on social media actually caused me to delete several of my social media accounts including Facebook and Instagram. I just couldn't stand looking at all the hateful, bigoted trash being spewed by people I call family and friends. At one point, I even had an article which listed like 30+ reasons why I was leaving the US to find a TEFL job. Obviously, I never posted that article nor do I even still have a copy of it, but I was really hurting at that time. Almost nothing was going to stop my escape. The Path of Burnout For whatever reason, I had the genius idea to enroll in grad school instead of fleeing the country. I guess I thought that I needed to find my way back to academia because it felt comfortable. Of course, I wouldn't be writing this article if it was all sunshine and rainbows. Over the last year, I have been working quite literally nonstop. Seriously. Take a look at my GitHub history. I have over 5,000 contributions since July 2018, and that's just coding. That doesn't include all the hours I've spent: GradingSharing feedbackReading research papersGoing to class and meetingsWriting articlesMarketing my blogStudying for examsDoing homeworkAsking questionsTeaching And don't forget, I have a wife, two cats, and plenty of extended family to care about. In addition, I try to spend time with friends who are scattered around the county, and they're all as miserable as me. When the Rubber Meets the Road Today, I find myself wondering what it would be like to be doing literally anything else. Would I find more joy in being a Mormon? How about teaching English abroad? What if I pursued music again? Am I too old to pick up a new skill? Hell, I'd be happy doing anything mindless for 20 hours a week if it meant I could survive on the income. At any rate, my wife is on a trip right now, so this was the next best place for me to vent. Sometimes I find it important to put down some of these raw feelings, so I have something to remind me of where I came from. If you liked this sort of article, feel free to give it a share. Since I likely won't be making this public, you're probably already a member. That said, I'd appreciate it if you helped grow the community a bit by telling people about my work. Feel free to quote some of this content if it helps! While you're here, I can recommend a few more rant pieces for your pleasure: The Problem with Working in TeamsThe Worst Professor EverWhy Do We Reward Overwork? As always, thanks again for your support. It helps ease up the burnout a little bit.